On Telling People What to Do

I spent the better part of a decade telling people what to do. I thought I knew what was best for them, the world, the people, the animals, and I was gonna tell them–unsolicited–what to eat, wear and buy, and where to put their charitable dollars. This was at ages 16-27, so I could probably give myself a teeny bit of slack, at least on the front end of that time.

Here’s what I learned:

• Telling people–unsolicited or otherwise–what to do, isn’t a good idea. It doesn’t help them in the long run, and it certainly does nothing to cultivate sustainable behavior of the type you’re looking.
• Some people want to be told what to do. It’s easier than thinking for themselves, it takes far less time, and it involves no personal responsibility. In some instances, such as in business when you cannot be an expert on everything and you hire experts to tell you what to do, it makes sense. But when it comes to decisions such as: where to put your charitable dollars or whether or not to believe that welfare reforms are something you want to put your money toward, the most helpful thing I can do for you is to guide you through thinking about what you’re doing and what it might mean. I can help you clarify and articulate your intention and if I do that well, what you ought to do will follow, and it will come from you, not from me.

Two things happened to me this week that wouldn’t have happened back in the late 1980s.

1.    The people hosting us for Thanksgiving (whom we usually host, so yours truly has control, and I do buy some turkey for them from Whole Foods, cuz, you know, the turkeys you get from there were treated humanely. They’ve got that label that tells you so.) sent the following e-mail:

I have been perusing the net, books and friends for foods you would enjoy and it occurred to me that I should ask you.  I know there are vegs. that you prefer not to eat and things you love.  So-o-o, could you please help me out with info?  I read these great sounding foods and then see it has butter and I know you use another product.  Do you enjoy grain dishes?  Which veges.?
    I really am having a good time doing this so please don’t say you’ll bring your own dinner.  I want to do this.  John and I can learn this way and maybe eat healthier (that won’t be hard, anything would be healthier!!!) 

If you only knew these people. Wonderful, hilarious, compassionate, super smart, but aren’t really all that animal aware. I nearly fell off my chair when I read the e-mail. See what keeping your mouth shut can do? Of course, they have no idea what it will take for me to look at a carcass all afternoon, but . . . . baby steps. And my poor husband hasn’t broken the news that he, too, has gone vegan, so I feel terrible for him. It’s all so new for him and he’s continuously shocked at the reactions of intelligent people to choosing not to kill anyone for a meal. ("Welcome to my world," is my usual response. Oh, and "Get used to it.")

2.    There I was, an hour late for the start of a PCRM event last night (we have traffic that rivals NYC). I would have no idea how to get dissection out of schools and find alternatives and bring them to schools, and I also would have no idea how to get physicians to even be interested in nutrition. There are things that I’m interested in doing that PCRM does well, and all while staying away from any kind of welfare reforms. They have faults, I’m sure, and wouldn’t pass muster in some circles, but I’m interested in my own intentions and goals, not those of anyone else.

I walk out onto the terrace of this spectacular penthouse and practically bump into a woman I know from a completely different context, and then two others (from yet another context), all of whom thank me for helping them on their unique journeys to live cleaner, healthier lives that are aligned with what they’ve known for years: that it’s not right to eat animals.

I’m doing something different these days from what I did all those years ago. I am different, therefore it’s really not all that surprising. Because I’ve made so many mistakes in the past 20 years, and had a change of heart and mind regarding several important matters, and admitted I was wrong about others, I have far more compassion for my fellow humans than ever before. (Compassion for animals is easy, but humans make it far more difficult to include them in my circle sometimes.) And I also have far more trust in people that with a little help–and a lot of love and support–they will make decisions that are right for their mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health, as well as for the world around them. They don’t need to be told what to do. They need to be shown love so they feel confident and strong enough to step into a world very different from the one they grew up in, and begin a difficult yet fulfilling chapter of their lives that will change them forever, and change the world around them in the process.